Yours, Mine, and Ours?

We had a joint session this evening with my therapist and my husband's therapist. All four of us together in one cozy room. The plan was to get together to discuss the plan for our separation, and to lay out some boundaries for it. I was actually really happy with the way it went. I felt heard, both by the therapists, as well as by my husband. It's so hard, because every time I see a little glimmer of hope I end up getting kicked in the head again. I hate not knowing what's going to happen next. It drives me crazy that my crystal ball seems to be failing me.. He's got 6 months. If things don't improve greatly in that time, we're out.

He's Moved Out (ok, well up)

We're separated. Sort of. The last few weeks have been a holy nightmare. Truely, I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with the end result. We are no longer sharing a bedroom. My husband has moved upstairs to live in the portion of the house that we are doing construction on. No interior walls, holes in the floor, the whole nine yards. But I couldn't take sleeping next to him every night.

So we're separated, b ut living in the same house. The thing that I've heard about from so many people, and have always thought was the stupidest possible thing on the face of the planet! And this is where my life has landed me. So now what? We go about our lives, taking our children to school and activities, while living separate lives. I hate it. And I need it. I want him. And I know I can't live with him. Could this be more confusing? Probably, so I won't challenge it, but I don't want to know how.

The Deception Continues

OK, so I found a stash of porn he had hidden in the closet. WTF? He's been in recovery since July, supposedly, so what is this? He claims he found it and had intended to get rid of it. So why didn't he get rid of it? So why didn't he say 'you'll never guess what I found in the closet... I just wanted to let you know so that there were no secrets.' Come on. It's really not that difficult to be honest, is it? What's the point in lying about all these stupid, rediculous things? I just don't understand it.
So I told him he had to find another place to stay last night. And he respected that. I'm planning to take the kids and go away for the weekend now. I won't have to see him again until monday, if all goes as planned (Ior maybe Sunday Night) but I just really need some time to figure out what to do next. I HATE THIS! Who needs this kind of constant drama in their lives? It's sucking the air out of me. I feel like all I do is work, take care of the kids, and deal with his shit. I haven't actually called a friend in months. This isn't something I can talk to my friends about. There's only a small group of people that have any kind of clue what dealing with this is like. I am lucky to have some of those people around me, though. At least I have people I can process this with. I am also so fortunate that I have an unbelievably supportive mother and sister. Thank GOD for them!

Age Appropriate Honesty

So here's the problem that I'm anticipating -- already. My kids are only 4 and 2 right now (and the 2 year old barely talks) but I'm already stressed about how to deal with questions from them about where we go (meetings, therapy) and why. I know we're not going to lie to them. When my husband went to 30 day inpatient, we told them that he was going to a sort of 'daddy camp' so that he could learn to be a better daddy to them and a better husband to me. I didn't want to tell them anything like 'he has to go away for work' because I knew there'd come a time when they'd resent the lie. So if we're not going to lie to them about what is going on, then how do we stay age appropriately honest?

How does a person raise healthy, high functioning kids when they're living with an addict (in early recovery, but an addict none the less.) How do I promote healthy sexual development in my son, for instance, knowing that he's going to have a genetic predisposition to addiction? I worry all the time about the examples we are setting (my Husband of addict and me of codependent) knowing that our kids learn more from our actions than from our words.

I feel confident in our treatment providers right now that they (my therapist and my husband's therapist) have both of us on good roads to getting stronger and healthier, but I still worry about the effect this has already had on my kids, and the effect it will continue to have as we continue to try to get ourselves healthier. I suppose I'm already ahead of the game because I'm actually thinking about these things, and worrying about it, but am I going too far? Am I 'future tripping'? I'm realizing more and more that we need to be cognisant of our issues and motivation all day every day. It's exhausting!

What to Believe

OK, so for a year now, I have know that I am married to a sex addict. I've always known that something was wrong in our relationship. It was pretty obvious. Unfortunately, although it was obvious there was a problem, I was clueless what the problem was. 8 years of marriage and learning investigative skills to rival any local detective, I discovered the vast scope of my husband's addiction, including prostitution, massage parlors, pornography, phone sex, online singles sites, and the list goes on... Upon my discovery, my husband was immediately agreeable to entering into treatment. That has been a blessing - for the most part.

The one difficult thing that has come out of us being in treatment is the fact that he had to disclose to me the nature of all the things he has done in the past. I have been able to start (finally) putting 2 and 2 together to realize the enormous amounts of lies he has told me over the years. So with this new found information, I have become completely untrusting of him.

So what do I believe? How do I know he is telling the truth? What I have decided is that I have to observe his actions rather than listen to his words. His words have hurt me so much over the years that they mean essentially nothing to me now. So her I sit, trying to figure out if our marriage has a chance to survive. And the only truth I can rely on is my own observations, and what's in my gut.

This has created another problem. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has gotten me so twisted around that I stopped trusting my gut (and as it turns out that I was usually totally on point!) He had convinced me that what I believed (he was cheating) was absolutely false, and that I in fact was crazy for thinking that way.

So here I sit, attempting to piece my life back together. I believe that he is currently sober and in recovery (60+ days now). He has created in me this doubt of myself that I never knew before him. So more than anything, I have to relearn how to believe in myself. That's what I have to believe!