He's Happy About the Divorce

I need to vent a little. OK, so it's been about 18 months since my world came crashing down on me. I should be used to the feeling, I suppose, however he still manages to surprise me. So a little over a week ago, I made the decision that my husband and I have to divorce. There's no other option. He's still active in his addiction, and was faking recovery. Ahhhh... OK, so tonight we were talking, and I asked him why he all of a sudden seems so calm and accepting of the separation and divorce. He told me that it's because he is. He said that if he's ever going to get into recovery, he needs to be away from the stresses of our family and do it on his own. He feels that's the only way for him to truely feel that he's doing this for himself. It's so completely rediculous! Now he's blaming us for his failure in recovery. Interesting, how he manages to do that... I can't help but feel that he should be having a "come to Jesus" moment right about now, taking a good, hard look at all he is loosing. Instead, he seems grateful to be rid of us.

Now, on the flip side, I am pretty grateful that I've made the decision to be rid of him. He's continued to put my health and safety at risk for long enough. I'm confident in my decision. So why do I feel betrayed that he's happy about it too? Why do I constantly feel like I'm loosing my mind? Why do I care about what he does or how he feels one way or another?

It's Over

OK, so here we are, 6 months post inpatient rehab, and I discover that he's been acting out almost the entire time. Good Lord, I don't know what to think or say. I am so devastated, that I think I'm numb. I had a feeling, but didn't have any concrete proof until the other day. I found women's numbers (and bra sizes) jotted down on a piece of paper, as well as used pre-paid phone cards. I found a porn video, and a reciept for a pre-paid phone that he purchased on 2/13 (yes, the day before valentine's day). So I told him he needed to get out. No more being frozen in inaction for me. I immediately got a new checking account, as well as a safe deposit box (for the kids bonds). He finally admitted to stealing money out of the kids piggy banks - jerk - and I don't want to take the chance that he'll cash in their bonds as well. I consulted with an attorney last week, and the biggest problem is that our house is in mid construction. He's been doing the work slowly as we can afford it. Work recently stopped because we ran out of money. Now in order to sell the house, it needs to be finished (obviously).

The thing is that I can hardly stand the sight of him right now, but he has to be here to work on the house. Also, if he comes here to work on the house, I have to let him see the kids because it would just be cruel to them to know that he is in the house, but to not be able to see him. He has been to the house every day since I asked him to leave. He stays elsewhere, however he's here visiting with the kids, helping with bedtime, etc. I just want him to be gone. How the hell do I boundry this? He has to come to the house - there's no way around that. Ahhhhh.......The whole thing is just awful. When he's not around, I feel great. Really positive, hopeful and glad that I know for sure that he's not going to get better now. I know that the best thing for me and my kids is to be away from him, but there doesn't seem to be any way to manage this effectively.

Yours, Mine, and Ours?

We had a joint session this evening with my therapist and my husband's therapist. All four of us together in one cozy room. The plan was to get together to discuss the plan for our separation, and to lay out some boundaries for it. I was actually really happy with the way it went. I felt heard, both by the therapists, as well as by my husband. It's so hard, because every time I see a little glimmer of hope I end up getting kicked in the head again. I hate not knowing what's going to happen next. It drives me crazy that my crystal ball seems to be failing me.. He's got 6 months. If things don't improve greatly in that time, we're out.

He's Moved Out (ok, well up)

We're separated. Sort of. The last few weeks have been a holy nightmare. Truely, I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with the end result. We are no longer sharing a bedroom. My husband has moved upstairs to live in the portion of the house that we are doing construction on. No interior walls, holes in the floor, the whole nine yards. But I couldn't take sleeping next to him every night.

So we're separated, b ut living in the same house. The thing that I've heard about from so many people, and have always thought was the stupidest possible thing on the face of the planet! And this is where my life has landed me. So now what? We go about our lives, taking our children to school and activities, while living separate lives. I hate it. And I need it. I want him. And I know I can't live with him. Could this be more confusing? Probably, so I won't challenge it, but I don't want to know how.

The Deception Continues

OK, so I found a stash of porn he had hidden in the closet. WTF? He's been in recovery since July, supposedly, so what is this? He claims he found it and had intended to get rid of it. So why didn't he get rid of it? So why didn't he say 'you'll never guess what I found in the closet... I just wanted to let you know so that there were no secrets.' Come on. It's really not that difficult to be honest, is it? What's the point in lying about all these stupid, rediculous things? I just don't understand it.
So I told him he had to find another place to stay last night. And he respected that. I'm planning to take the kids and go away for the weekend now. I won't have to see him again until monday, if all goes as planned (Ior maybe Sunday Night) but I just really need some time to figure out what to do next. I HATE THIS! Who needs this kind of constant drama in their lives? It's sucking the air out of me. I feel like all I do is work, take care of the kids, and deal with his shit. I haven't actually called a friend in months. This isn't something I can talk to my friends about. There's only a small group of people that have any kind of clue what dealing with this is like. I am lucky to have some of those people around me, though. At least I have people I can process this with. I am also so fortunate that I have an unbelievably supportive mother and sister. Thank GOD for them!

Age Appropriate Honesty

So here's the problem that I'm anticipating -- already. My kids are only 4 and 2 right now (and the 2 year old barely talks) but I'm already stressed about how to deal with questions from them about where we go (meetings, therapy) and why. I know we're not going to lie to them. When my husband went to 30 day inpatient, we told them that he was going to a sort of 'daddy camp' so that he could learn to be a better daddy to them and a better husband to me. I didn't want to tell them anything like 'he has to go away for work' because I knew there'd come a time when they'd resent the lie. So if we're not going to lie to them about what is going on, then how do we stay age appropriately honest?

How does a person raise healthy, high functioning kids when they're living with an addict (in early recovery, but an addict none the less.) How do I promote healthy sexual development in my son, for instance, knowing that he's going to have a genetic predisposition to addiction? I worry all the time about the examples we are setting (my Husband of addict and me of codependent) knowing that our kids learn more from our actions than from our words.

I feel confident in our treatment providers right now that they (my therapist and my husband's therapist) have both of us on good roads to getting stronger and healthier, but I still worry about the effect this has already had on my kids, and the effect it will continue to have as we continue to try to get ourselves healthier. I suppose I'm already ahead of the game because I'm actually thinking about these things, and worrying about it, but am I going too far? Am I 'future tripping'? I'm realizing more and more that we need to be cognisant of our issues and motivation all day every day. It's exhausting!

What to Believe

OK, so for a year now, I have know that I am married to a sex addict. I've always known that something was wrong in our relationship. It was pretty obvious. Unfortunately, although it was obvious there was a problem, I was clueless what the problem was. 8 years of marriage and learning investigative skills to rival any local detective, I discovered the vast scope of my husband's addiction, including prostitution, massage parlors, pornography, phone sex, online singles sites, and the list goes on... Upon my discovery, my husband was immediately agreeable to entering into treatment. That has been a blessing - for the most part.

The one difficult thing that has come out of us being in treatment is the fact that he had to disclose to me the nature of all the things he has done in the past. I have been able to start (finally) putting 2 and 2 together to realize the enormous amounts of lies he has told me over the years. So with this new found information, I have become completely untrusting of him.

So what do I believe? How do I know he is telling the truth? What I have decided is that I have to observe his actions rather than listen to his words. His words have hurt me so much over the years that they mean essentially nothing to me now. So her I sit, trying to figure out if our marriage has a chance to survive. And the only truth I can rely on is my own observations, and what's in my gut.

This has created another problem. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has gotten me so twisted around that I stopped trusting my gut (and as it turns out that I was usually totally on point!) He had convinced me that what I believed (he was cheating) was absolutely false, and that I in fact was crazy for thinking that way.

So here I sit, attempting to piece my life back together. I believe that he is currently sober and in recovery (60+ days now). He has created in me this doubt of myself that I never knew before him. So more than anything, I have to relearn how to believe in myself. That's what I have to believe!